Tired mother said to a small boy:Billy, what is Baby crying about now? Didn’t I tell you to give him anything he wants to keep him from crying?
Small boy replied:“Yes, Ma, but I’ve dug him a hole and now he wants me to bring it in the house.”
One day, two fathers and sons went fishing. Each of them caught a fish. Yet only three fish were caught. How was this possible?
There were only three fishermen―a boy, his father and his grandfather. The father was counted as a son because his own father was along.
An absent-minded storekeeper came back from lunch and saw a sign on his door which read,“Out to lunch.”So he sat down to wait for himself.
A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that read:“This bill is one year old.”The client returned the bill with a note that read:“Happy birthday!”
“I don’t like this new haircut.”complained the man.
“Relax,”replied the barber.“It’ll grow on you.”
注:haircut 发型;complain 抱怨;relax 放松,休息
Two young men who were joining the Navy were asked:“Do you know how to swim?”They both looked puzzled, and one replied,“What’s the matter, aren’t there enough ships?”
“My dear, what a surpries―meeting you here at the psychiatrist’s office. Are you coming or going?”
“If I knew that, I wouldn’t be here.”
That doctor was so absent-minded that on his wedding day, when it came time to put the ring on his wife’s finger, he felt her pulse and asked her to stick her tongue out.
Did you hear about the absent-minded professor who stood in front of a mirror for a long time, wondering where he had seen himself before.
If it wasn’t for Thomas Edison and his invention of the electric light bulb, we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
注:bulb 灯泡;candlelight 烛光
The absent-minded professor went around in a revolving door for two hours because he couldn’t remember whether he was going in or coming out.
注:revolving door 旋转门
A snail was climbing up a young cherry tree when a beetle spied him.
“Say,”said the beetle,“there aren’t any cherries in that tree.”
“I know,”replied the snail,“but there will be by the time I get there.”
注:snail 蜗牛;beetle甲虫;cherry樱桃;spy 发现,察出
Some people thirst after fame, some thirst after fortune, and some thirst after knowledge. But there’s one thing everybody thirsts after―salted peanuts.
注:thirst after ①渴求,②因……口渴;fortune 财富;salted peanuts 盐花生
A diner ordered fish and had a long wait for it. Finding it very watery, he sat and waited again.
“Is there anything wrong, sir?”asked the waiter.
“No, I’m just waiting for the tide to go out.”
“How is business?”ask Tom, as he walked into his friend’s dress shop.
“Terrible,”complained Jack.“Business is awful. Yesterday I sold only one dress, and today it’s even worse.”
“How could it be worse?”asked Tom.
“Today the customer returned the dress she bought yesterday.”
注:business 生意;awful 糟糕的
A little girl’s grandfather had a long beard, but one morning he shaved it off. When he came down to breakfast, the little girl cried,“Grandpa! Whose head have you got on?”
注:beard 胡子; shave off 削掉
Two little boys were discussing their future.“What are you going to be when you grow up?”asked one of them.
“A soldier,”answered the other.
“What if you get killed?”
“Who would want to kill me?”
The other boy thought this over and said finally:“O.K. I’ll be the enemy.”
A fat and tall man in a cinema turned to a small boy behind him and asked:“Can’t you see, little chap?”
“No, not a thing.” replied the boy.
“Then keep your eyes on me, and laugh when I do.”